Here, you’re a BIG FISH… but if you leave here and go out there, you’ll be a little fish in a big pond…
This was a statement that I and the other church staff were regularly told in the final years leading up to my departure from what I now understand to be a HIGH-CONTROL, HIGH-DEMAND church system. It was one of many tactics used to keep people under the control of the leader. My wife and I didn’t see it until we sought help outside our church from a ministry created to address the mounting ministry burnout and depression we were struggling with. Once our eyes were opened to how unhealthy our church environment was, it began to overtake us like a landslide. And now we finally had answers!
I feel for all the “little fish” out there who have broken free from tyranny and are looking for answers. I also feel for the others who are still trapped under heavy-handed pastoral control. May this website be a resource for clarity. I invite you to read, listen to, and research the materials I have pulled together in the hopes that it will help you find peace.
Coming to Terms with Terms
High-Control, High-Demand
High-Control church environments fit under what is known as Spiritual Abuse. I used to shy away from this term because I never really considered something to be abuse unless there were physical or sexual components involved. While that is true, the reality is people can be abused through control and manipulation as well. This can happen in marriages, work environments, and churches. What’s worse is church leaders hold authoritative roles over people which can make the situation more extreme. For example, to deny or disobey a pastor can often mean in high-control environments that one would be denying or disobeying God.
In my church past, it was spoken (directly or implied) in sermons that if one were to struggle to hear God’s voice, one must listen to their pastor because he is the voice of God. He would be the source of God’s counsel, He must not be questioned in his teachings or his decisions. He is to be trusted, honored, and respected, even though he regularly told his ministry staff that he did not trust any one of us. This starts to reveal to control dynamic.
High-Demand refers to an organization that requires an inordinate amount of time from its members in terms of commitment and service. They often permit the lead pastor time off and freedom from such expectations. It’s a control tactic that keeps people too busy to think for themselves or have the freedom to live their own lives.
In my church experience, members were required to attend two services per week which would include coming to church meals, then the sermon teaching, and finally, post-service fellowship. On Sundays, this would expand to include attending a weekly hour-long class that required several hours of homework and reading per week. In addition, each member was required to serve between two to four or more hours each week along with participation in one of the church’s group ministry that fits their particular life stage (youth, college student, single person, married people, married people with families). These gatherings would last one to two hours long. Keep in mind, that you couldn’t be a church member unless you were a full-time student or full-time employee.
The lead pastor worked such a schedule that he always had a full day off weekly, all his evenings were open, he could take paid time off without confrontation or criticism, and he could leave work to go home whenever he felt like it. He held no extra service positions, and had no homework to prepare outside of normal work hours. You see where this is going.
There will be more on these terms as this site grows.
A church that B.I.T.E s
A Breakdown of Types of Control
When inside the church, I was told and I even taught that cult churches were simply defined as those who preached and believed in a Jesus figure that did not reflect the complete picture of the Jesus of scripture (i.e.: the love, nature, and character of Jesus). This would be the beginning and end of the definition of a “cult” according to my spiritual education. While I still maintain that to be a factor inside churches, I believe it to be incomplete.
Today, the more expanded definition of a cult (including organizations, relationships, businesses, AND religious groups) would go on to explain the types of control that the leaders of such groups would endeavor to maintain over their subordinates.
This is called the B.I.T.E. definition:
• BEHAVIOR Control
• INFORMATION Control
• THOUGHT Control
• EMOTIONAL Control
Fish Food
Podcast Resources
There are hours of stories and interviews with experts in religious trauma to help you learn more about your experiences.
Books
Helpful written resources to help you understand and overcome the damaging effects of high-control, high-demand ministries.
Other Resources
Here are any articles and other resources I have found to help inform and restore.